While politeness is of course always preferable to rudeness,

there are ways of being polite that badly miss the mark

and can leave us feeling oddly detached and dissatisfied.

Picture the person who ends up, despite their best efforts,

seeming what we can call " coldly polite ".

They may be extremely keen to please those they 're seeing,

they obey all the rules of etiquette, they offer their guests drinks,

ask them questions about their journey, suggest they might want a little more gravy,

remark on the interest of a recent prize - winning novel,

and yet they never manage to make their hospitality feel either engaging or memorable.

It may be a long time before another meeting with them is suggested.

By contrast there is the person we recognize as " warm ",

who follows the cold person in the basic principles of politeness,

but manages to add a critical, emotionally comforting ingredient to their manner.

They might, when we have an evening planned with them,

suggest making toasted cheese sandwiches at their place

rather than going out to a restaurant.

They might chat to us through the bathroom door,

put on the songs they loved dancing to when they were 14,

plump up a cushion and slot it behind our back,

confess to feeling intimidated by a mutual acquaintance,

bring us a posy of daisies or a card they made,

call us up when we 're down with the flu and ask how our ears are feeling,

mention they like our haircut and then, when we spill something or fart by mistake,

exclaim, " I'm so glad you did that, it's usually me ".

Beneath the difference between the warm and the cold person

lies a contrasting vision of human nature.

Broadly, the cold person is operating with an implicit view

that those they 're attempting to please are creatures endowed only with the highest needs.

As a result, all kinds of assumptions are made about them,

that they're interested exclusively in so-called " serious topics ", especially art and politics,

that they will appreciate a degree of formality in dining and sitting,

that they will be strong, self-contained and mature enough

never to have any hunger for reassurance or coziness,

and they will be without urgent physical vulnerabilities and drives

which might prove deeply offensive if they were mentioned.

These higher beings would, the cold host believes,

wince if someone suggested they curl up on the sofa with a blanket

or handed them a copy of a magazine about film stars when they 're headed for the bathroom.

Yet, the warmly polite person is always deeply aware that the stranger,

irrespective of their status or outward dignity,

is a highly needy, fragile, confused, appetitive and susceptible creature

and they know this about the stranger because they never forget this about themselves.